


Saturn

by Tibbins



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Grieving Castiel, Hopeful Ending, Inspired by Music, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-28
Updated: 2017-11-28
Packaged: 2019-02-07 19:49:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12848292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tibbins/pseuds/Tibbins
Summary: Castiel visits Dean's grave four hundred years after his death. Destiel.





	Saturn

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys!  
> So this is a fic that's been rattling around in my head for a few days but I've been a little tentative to write it down 'cause I wasn't sure I could do it justice. But it had to be written or it wouldn't leave me alone so here it is.  
> The song lyrics and title are from the song Saturn by Sleeping at Last, it's a beautiful song and there are some equally beautiful Destiel edits to it on Youtube so I highly recommend you check it out.
> 
> This one's kinda sad (or at least I tried to make it sad) so if you don't wanna be sad right now then perhaps this isn't the fic for you.
> 
> Enjoy ^_^

Castiel touched the top of the headstone. It was a simple thing, just a smooth block of grey marble. A name engraved directly into it.

"Hello Dean," he said, smiling sadly. He leant the flowers against the stone and traced the letters he had carved himself. He hadn't bothered with dates, or a memorable quote. Just the name Dean Winchester was enough.

It had been four centuries since Dean had died for the final time, once again sacrificing his life for the good of the world and saving them all. This wasn't where Dean had been buried, of course. He hadn't been. Castiel had built a pyre and salted and burned him outside the bunker, Sam weeping at his side. But Sam had wanted a place to come and remember his brother, in the car he had inherited he had driven them to this place. An empty field, nondescript. Sam had explained that Dean had brought him here once as a child, had set off fireworks for him, just to watch him smile. He told Cas that it had been one of his memories in Heaven, so it would be a good place to remember him. Castiel agreed. He had visited often at first, coming here when he needed guidance, imagining what the Hunter would say, and trying his best to stick by that. He and Sam continued to Hunt, until they didn't. In Sam's forty-third year, he met a woman named Ashley who had a kind smile and a large heart. Castiel attended their wedding, as best man as a matter of fact, and he had attended their funerals too. But during the time Sam and Ashley were together, Castiel kept his distance, Sam kept Ashley in the dark about Hunting and after a decade, Ashley began to comment that Cas just didn't seem to age at all. Sam had laughed it off at first but eventually he had taken Cas aside and asked him to help keep the secret. They stayed in touch, of course, meeting in bars and cafés. Cas watched as Sam began to slow down, watched his hairline recede, watched as the energy was drained from him in the cruel way that life had. Sam never lost his spark for life however, nor his ability to laugh. He had died an old man in the arms of his wife and a legacy whispered on the lips of every supernatural being.

After Sam died, Castiel lost purpose. Moving listlessly from place to place, working cases on his own. He made a few friends and lost them too.

Now he was back here.

Castiel perched on the worn stone and stared around at the clearing. He had preserved it, even going so far as to buying the land the headstone rested on. He wasn't sure that Dean would care all that much. He would have been far angrier the day the Impala had finally given out. Sam had gifted the car to him after he moved in with Ashley, ready for something steady and safe. Cas had taken the keys with a reverence and Sam had laughed, saying it was about time he drove her. He had patted the hood goodbye and told Cas to take care of her, a fond smile on his face.

He had been meticulous in his care of the car, for almost a hundred and fifty years it had carried him faithfully from place to place, but, like all things, one day it just stopped, never to run again. Castiel had been heartbroken on that day and he felt Dean's disappointment too. He had wanted to bring the car here, park her over Dean's headstone to lay her to rest properly, but he hadn't been able to work out the logistics of getting her through the surrounding overgrown paths.

Castiel felt a thick lump in his throat and he swallowed. It had been four hundred years and his grief was as fresh as it had been the second he had seen Dean's body, fallen to his knees next to it, pushed his grace into it, trying and failing to heal the man who had given everything he had for a world that had been so cruel to him.

 

_***_

_You taught me the courage of stars, before you left_

_***_

 

The angel sat on his friend's headstone and looked up at the sky. It was a clear day, warm and bright, and the buds of a new spring poked through the soil. Castiel smiled at the beauty of the place. He reflected on his time with the Winchesters, it had been brief, far too brief. Less than two decades. He had been alive before the first Winchester, before the first  _human_ , he had watched as the fish flopped from the sea and began to walk, he had gazed in wonder at the first amoeba, the first blade of grass, how could he have known that all of that time would mean little and less to him now? How could he have known that the Righteous Man would lead to his downfall and his absolution? During those fifteen years among them, he had known in the back of his mind that there would come a time after Sam and Dean, with how hard they fought and how much they gave. But the concern had been immediate, he could save them  _now_ , he could help them  _now_ , he could laugh with them  _now_. He had also assumed that his end would come before theirs. More than once, it had. But somehow he kept coming back to them, and they took him in with open hearts and a mission and the fight had continued. The fear was buried. And they had become legendary. Their names known to all and feared by many, hated by some and loved by a select few. Their story was still told among Hunters today. Castiel sometimes liked to eavesdrop and see how ridiculously some of their adventures were exaggerated.

 

_***_

_How light carries on endlessly, even after death_

_***_

 

"I miss you," Castiel said to the clearing, to the memory of the greatest of beings he had ever known. This was how he prayed now. He came here, to talk to Dean. "It's been centuries and still I miss you. How is it possible that I lived more in my time with you than the millennia I spent as a warrior of God?" He imagined Dean laughing, slapping him on the back, making a sarcastic comment. He smiled.

"I'm still bitter," he said, "you should have had longer.  _We_ should have had longer. Why did it take us so long to admit what we had? Why was I so afraid when I  _knew_  the day would come when you'd have to leave me?"

The first time they had kissed, after a Hunt, hot-blooded and eager, mouths smashing together, masking the panic of a few minutes previously, when Dean had been bleeding out and Cas, frantically shoving his grace through his fingers, screaming for Dean not to leave him like this. The body of the demon who had gutted Dean still smoked slightly nearby. Dean's eyes had fluttered open, noting the terror, the relief, he had grabbed the front of Cas' coat and pulled them together, the taste of blood and dirt and _life_  squashing the fear. Dean had moaned into his mouth, then pulled away, embracing him, pressing their cheeks together.

" _I love you, Cas"_  he had whispered. The angel had let out a sob and hugged him back, lost in the emotion those words invoked. He hadn't known how much he needed to hear them until they had been said, and once they had, the world seemed to brighten and all doubt fled from his mind.

" _Let's go home,"_  Dean said, once they had pulled back, a soft light in his eyes, the kind of light reserved only for when he was calm and safe and happy.

 

_***_

_With shortness of breath, you'll explain the infinite_

_***_

 

Castiel felt the usual bittersweet longing at the memory. After that, everything had felt different, although very little had actually changed. They still took on cases, they still lived in the bunker, they still all laughed and joked together as a family. But he and Dean shared a new kind of intimacy from then on, they felt each other's joy and pain far more acutely than before and they allowed themselves to show it the way they had always wanted to. There were more gentle touches, more physical comfort, more quiet words whispered in dark corners. They held each other up and they had been cosmic. Castiel basked in the warmth of that feeling, hot tears making him see kaleidoscopes of colour. One of their missions had been to finally shut the gates of Heaven to prevent what was left of the hosts of Heaven from wreaking havoc on the world below. Jack had opted to go, he had wanted to see his mother, and he had believed he could do more good there. They had closed the gates behind him and he had smiled before vanishing. Dean had steadied him with a hand to his shoulder and they had spent that night in each other's arms, Castiel torn between wishing he had gone with Jack and gratitude that he had chosen to stay with Dean. Dean had held him and kissed his brow, listening quietly, betraying nothing of his own thoughts. Though Cas could feel Dean's relief, neither of them mentioned it. Castiel had never been more grateful for Dean's strength and support on that day. He knew that had Castiel wanted to return to Heaven with Jack, Dean would have let him go. But he had made his choice long ago. His time on Earth, his time with Dean, was too important and Castiel had wanted to experience every single second of it.

 

_***_

_How rare and beautiful it is to even exist_

_***_

 

And experience it he had. Every moment since diving into the depths of Hell to raise the Righteous Man, to the moment Dean had given himself to stop the Final Evil. He relived it over and over again in his mind. A lifetime had been lived in those fifteen years, he had learned so much, about humanity and it's resilience, how it never ceased to surprise him, he learned about people as individuals, how even the most similar of humans disagreed on some things, how truly unique and beautiful each one was. He had learned what it meant to be free, to stand up for the right thing. He might be a creature of faith, but he had never truly  _believed_  in anything until he had been given the space to choose for himself. He had learned about sorrow and despair, he had learned about failure and glory, he had learned about hubris and friendship and he had learned about love, about love most of all.

 

_***_

_I couldn't help but ask you to say it all again_

_***_

 

He had watched as the Winchesters faded into myth. Nothing more than stories that few actually believed in. They were the monsters to keep creatures of the dark in line, they were heroes of the 'good old days' like the famous cowboys Dean had loved so much. Castiel had thought about documenting his experiences. It's not as though he didn't have the time. He remembered the look of disgust on the brothers' faces when they talked of the Supernatural books. His version would be like an inside joke. They deserved to be remembered by more than just him. But each time he tried to set the words down on the page he knew he could never do them justice. He couldn't explain the fire in Dean's soul when he faced down a foe, he couldn't capture the sound of Sam's laugh. He couldn't re-create the thrill, the liberation, the wonder of experiencing the world as a human for the first time. No one would understand. It was better he kept them true. An army of three. Team Free Will.

 

_***_

_I tried to write it down but I could never find a pen_

_***_

 

Castiel imagined Dean standing in front of him, a carefree smile on his face, eyes shining as he looked at the angel. Cas reached out to touch the image but it vanished as he'd known it would.

"You'd think after four hundred years it would get easier," he said, the hollow pain in his chest reaching out it's tendrils. "I've still got that mixtape you made me, but I haven't been able to find a cassette player anywhere since your car… well anyway, I've got those songs on a playlist too but I suppose that wasn't the point." Castiel huffed out a laugh as he thought back on the awkward dancing around their feelings. Watching Sam get slowly more and more exasperated with the both of them.

"I know Sam's with you," Cas said, "so you're not alone. I just wish that I could follow. I've done good down here Dean, I know that. I've saved people and done my best to make amends for my past mistakes. But none of it feels right anymore. You really did save the world, there's no need for me here. There are other angels who refused to leave Earth too, they're acclimatising themselves and starting to learn, as I did about the value of humans.  _They_ can protect the Earth now. I've done my part. I was  _your_  guardian. What am I now?" Tears spilled from his eyes to drip onto his coat.

 

_***_

_I'd give anything to hear you say it one more time_

_***_

 

"You made it seem like there was always another battle to fight, another war to win. There was always something bigger to face. A  _reason_  to keep fighting. You gave me that."

Castiel thought of Dean's eyes. Gazing at him with awe the first time he had manifested his wings, the way he had gently reached out a finger to stroke the feathers. Making Castiel forget that they were broken, useless and unable to fly. He felt powerful under that gaze, beautiful, something worth admiring.

 

_***_

_That the universe was made just to be seen by my eyes_

_***_

 

"When am I allowed to be done?" He asked the empty sky. "Dean,  _please_. I need you to tell me that I can be done now. Tell me that it's okay if I give up on this place, that it doesn't need me anymore."

He waited a few moments, looking around. A squirrel hopped between two trees and a blackbird took flight. He knew that Dean couldn't hear him, or see him, he knew that Dean had no power in Heaven to be able to give him a sign of any kind. But he was tired of being alone. He missed the silent camaraderie, he missed sharing a laugh with another person, he missed knowing he had someone at his back, someone to call. It had been far too long since he had felt these things, and the need got heavier every day.

He covered his face with his hand and gave himself a minute to be lost in his memories. He was tired of living in the past, but his present was nowhere near as meaningful.

 

_***_

_With shortness of breath, I'll explain the infinite_

_***_

 

Castiel took a deep breath and stood. He turned away from the grave and headed back towards where he had parked his car. He stopped once at the treeline and looked back, reading the name 'Dean Winchester' one last time. He knew he would never come back here. Dean might not be able to give him a sign of what he wanted, but Cas knew what  _he_  wanted. And Dean had always respected his decisions. He would find a way to get back into Heaven. To Dean. To the man who had given him a choice when he had thought he had none, the man who had stood by him when he fell, the man who had cared for him when he was weak, and fought him when he was stubborn and spurred him on when he was afraid. The man who had burned brighter than the spark that had first brought light to the cosmos. The man who loved him.

 

_***_

_How rare and beautiful it truly is that we exist_

_***_

**Author's Note:**

> Thoughts?
> 
> I hope the idea in my brain and the words on the page came out reasonably similar to each other. I'm pretty sure I missed out at least one key idea that I wanted to convey but I don't have the words to define it so that wasn't particularly helpful.
> 
> All opinions and feedback is welcome and super appreciated.  
> Love Tibbins xx


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